No words!!

Well I got no sleep last night at all.. I knew that today my BEAUTIFUL ANGEL NEVAEH FAITH would be 7months... Seems so crazy to thank that 7 months ago I was laying in a hospital bed holding my baby girl wishing she would come back to us...

There are days that go by and I feel that my life isnt ever going to get better.. Like today all I could think about is that another month has gone by without you here and I dont want to go another day  to go by without you.. My heart aches so much and the pain seems to be getting worse with each passing day.. I know that people think that I am strong when really I am fake.. I am out at work acting like everything is alright and that we are doin ok..

But guess what I'm not and everything isnt ok... My love and whole meaning of life was taken from me.. I am just trying to figure all this out I dont understand and cant make any sense of any of it.. I miss you so much Nevaeh and Long to hold you in my arms so bad that I feel like I am going crazy..

Always on my mind and Always in my heart... Goodnight angel until i see you again with all my love and all that I am Love mommy..

For you

I sit back and watch others and wonder why they are going to get to have their families and I couldnt have mine.. Did I do something so wrong that I am being punished.. I know that God doesnt really work that way, but I have to tell you baby girl I feel like that is whats going on. I sit and think everyday what could have done that was so awful that could have taken you away from me and your daddy.. I wish that there was away I could go back and take it all back and do things different.. I would protect you more from people who should not have touched me.. I am so so sorry that I picked that hospital and those dr.'s if I could have saved you or even give my life for yours I would in a heart beat. I am so sorry baby girl oh how I am so sorry. I love you with every fiber of my being...

I went and changed your flowers today with daddy and we made you a pumpkin and put it with your flowers, it was so pretty baby girl and I hope that you are smiling from above.  Its moments like that make me smile doing things for you and then I think of how I want to be doin so much more and my heart just aches and aches all over again.. All I think of is you and all I want to do is to do things for you every sec of every day..

I try to go through my days like everything is fine when it really isnt.. I dont like acting like I am ok and put a smile on my face, when all I want to do is just lay in bed and think of you and how you felt when I held you in my arms..

I wanna know WHY you were taken from US!!!  I wanna know how I am suppose to go on with life without you.. It doesnt feel right and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.. Without you my life seems so meaningless.. I know in my heart that you are with me and that puts a smile on my face.. Until next time I love and miss you baby girl... Always on my mind and Always in my Heart love MOMMY 

Just a random day

Well today was an ok day.. Came home yesterday from work to find a gift laying on the table.. It was white with butterflies on it so I went over to it to discover it was a gift for me.. I read the card and all it said hope this makes you feel a lil better and to let you think of your sweet lil Angel Nevaeh... Let me tell it touched my heart in away that you will never know.. It was a pair of butterfly earrings and a guardian angel pin with a saying... Just when you think that not one person understands or even thinks about the pain your in someone so sweet does something like that to show that they care.. I truely am blessed with awsome friends and family... 

I went to visit you today baby girl with your daddy.. I saw that your balloons were down, Mommy & Daddy  will get you more and I also am going to make you a new arrangment this weekend with a lil somthing special in it... It makes me feel really good to be there with your daddy and you.. I know its werid but i close my eyes and see my perfect family that I should have had... It was a good day baby girl we went for a ride on the bike came and saw you and went saw madyn hope you two are the bestest of friends.. came home went and had dinner with uncle bub, tiffy, shaw shaw, brain and some new friends.. Had a good time but never forgot you for a min.. Me and your Daddy are doin good and going close through all this.. I will make you this one promise that I will never allow us to pull apart through this we may have are hard times but we will get through. Until I see you again I love and miss you my ANGEL!!!


P.s. this should have posted Saturday the 18th but didnt dont know why it went to save but these are my  thoughts to you sat baby girl..

Never Knowing!!

Today I woke up feeling pretty good.. I went & got weighed today and lost 5lbs. then went and talked to a friend and got some things out.. I went to target and got some stuff for my Lia Sophia stuff.. Then I went to Micheal's to get you a pumkin to decorate.. I start to go through looking at all the stuff  and found you the perfect one, made just for you.. I then starting looking around more and see that they have their christmas stuff out.. I walk by all these tiny ornaments and just break down right there in the middle of the store with people looking at me.. I didnt care cuz that very moment I realized that all I get to buy you is lawn ornaments and little things to decorate your grave with, when all I want to do is hold you and taking you shopping with me and buy you cute clothes and toys..BUT NOOOO I dont get to do that and its just not fair..

I finshed getting everything I needed and left and as I was driving back to work I felt my heart crumbling and aching and broke down again in the car.. I cant understand why your time on earth was so short.. but I know one thing the few mins. I got to spend with you, you touched my heart in away that words could never explain.. I never knew that I could Love someone as much as I love you... From the moment I layed eyes on you I was filled with so much joy and love that it over took me and within mins my happiness was takin from me and I dont understand it one bit...

I got back to work and cleaned myself up and did what I had to do... When I finished I went to Zumba and when it was finished my instructor looked at me and ask if I had found you a pumpkin yet cuz if not she was going to go and find one... I cant explain how much it means to know that some people do pay attention and care enough about me and you that they were going to take time out of their day to go and get you something that I couldnt find.. I truely do have people in my life that I just apperciate more than they will ever know...

I just never know how my day is going to end up I wake up feeling like I am going to be ok and then I lose it..Other days I wake up in a mood and not wanting to get out of bed and then something good happens like someone saying or doing something or even just a thought of you that just makes me smile and then im ok.. I just Never Know.. But I do know one thing is for sure I love you more and miss you more and more with each passing day.

I am back home with your Daddy now and think I am going to finish your fall stuff and bring it to you tomorrow.. Until then my sweetness Always on my mind and Always in my Heart forever Mommy Loves you Baby Girl  *NFP*

Just Me & You

As I sit here thinking of you it seems like I am all alone..  It seems to me that no one understands how it is to be sitting and not have you beside me.. All I want to do is just wrap my arms around you and hold you tight and tell you how much I love you and want to be with you.. All I want to do is talk about you and to let everyone I come into contact with know how wonderful and how perfect you were/are.. Even though you have left us in body here on earth I know in my heart you are here in spirit with me everyday..

I may have held you in my arms for only a min but I will hold you in my heart always.. As long as I live I will make sure to do my best to let your name be known and let it live in the hearts of others forever.

I am so sorry for what as happened to you and wish I could lay my life down for you and allow you to live.. I know you are pretty special cuz God needed you with him.. So until I get to see you again and hold you in my arms know that I love you with all that I am and I am so proud to say that you are my daugther and that I am your Mommy... Love Always, MOMMY

Sis's Wedding!!

Everything was going great, we left friday afternoon to go to the farm I was so excited for her. We get to the farm & get everything setup for the wedding & I go up to start the flower arrangements. When I get up there I noticed that I needed more vases for the flowers. Barb brings down two vases & sits one down in front of me as I turn my head & look to see what she brought I grab my chest & the sense of happiness & hurt all at once over take my body as I start to cry. The vase she sat in front of me was a purple vase with three little butterflies on it. For most of you, you may not know but purple is my baby girls color & when I make her flower arrangements I always put a butterfly in it somewhere. I take the butterflies as a symbol of Me, her Daddy & her our Beautiful lil Angel.

I take a min and close my eyes to take it all in and when I do I felt this warm feeling just come over me. At that very moment I knew in my heart it was my baby girls way of saying: Mommy I am right here with you and that I love you. I smiled with tears running down my face and out loud said I love you Baby Girl...

I clear my face and start working on the flowers again.. I get them all done and set them in the vases and put them on the desk. We all go on doing all the bridal things you do before the wedding and just hang out. When I felt myself getting sad or pulling away I would just look up and that vase would be facing me & all I could do would be to smile.  We all went to bed and got up very early and started getting ready. I got up out of bed & of course look over at the vase & all I could say is I'm ok & it's going to be a good day...

We finish getting ready in the sissy barn and then go over to the house to get dressed. When I get over there sis had me come in and help her get dressed which meant the world to me. She was amazing, Beautiful from head to toe. I looked at her & asked are you ready & she said yes. We go down stairs to the kitchen where the door was that we came out from & on the table sits the flowers in the vase. I look down & then look up & sis says: Its ok she is here with us & is going to be apart of this with us. What I didnt mention is that the wedding was also purple the dress i was wearing to the decorations everything. All day I felt such warmth knowing that even though I couldnt see her, I could feel her with me & that she was there to see her aunt chessy get married...

Baby Girl I may not be able to see you but I do feel you with me.. My heart aches for you every sec of everyday.. What I would give to just be able to hold you in my arms for even just a min. & tell you how much I love you.. Forever on my mind and Forever in my HEART with all the love I have to give Love Mommy.

Always Thinking of you!!!

I wake up and I am thinking of you... I get in the car to go to work and I am thinking of you.. I go to the store and I want to but you clothes and toys or just something because I am thinking of you.... I think of you every second of everyday and wonder how I am suppose to go on knowing that your suppose to be with me everyday.. I love you with all my heart, soul, and all that I am and will be. I look up into the sky thinking that its just not fair. I should be looking into your eyes.. I never got to see you open your eyes, hear your cry, or see you smile.. I miss you everyday and you are my world and I will never let your name fade.. Everyone I meet will know that I have a Daughter and her name is Nevaeh Faith Park.. My perfect angel I am so very very proud of you... I miss you so very much all I want to do is just hold you and tell you how much I miss you. Until I see you again baby girl I love you Love mommy!!