Well another holiday has passed without my baby girl but we made it through. We came up to Fortashby with Brandons family on wed. It was really nice and good seeing everyone but of course I missed my side of the family though. I was doing ok until we sat down for dinner on thursday I looked around the table and saw that everyone had their own lil families within the family and it hurts. Why not us? I had to excuse myself and go take a breath. I am so greatful for all that God has given me and so thankful for the time that I got to spend with her but oh how I wish I could have her here with us. I know that God has turely blessed Brandon and I very much with a wonderful family and friends and they have been there for us. I just keep praying for strength that God gets us through this and I know in my heart that she is with me everyday in spirit I can feel her everyday.
I Love you Nevaeh Faith Park Always.
My Angel
.jpg)
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Pain!!
Well its been awhile since I have been on here as you all may have noticed. I feel so lost and alone that I have just been keeping to myself. I know that I am not alone but it just feels that way in my heart. I keep trying to hand this situation and all the pain and grief to God but before I know it I have taken it over again. I have consumed myself in so much lately that I feel like I am sinking in a pool of water and cant get out. I live, breath, talk, walk, Nevaeh. My whole life I have made all about her and in one since it brings me so much joy but in another since I feel so much pain and I dont know what to do. I dont want to not talk about her and do things for her or about her but in the same since I feel like I cant breath sometimes from the pain there is so much pressure that it hurts. I have consumed myself in her so much that here lately day after day I feel like I am reliving that awful day over and over again when they looked at me and told me that our beautiful baby girl wasn't going to make it and all those feelings that day come right back like a rush of water and over take me all over again
I miss her so much that there are days I think man I just wish that it was my time to go and I could be there with her. Then I realize how selfish it would be to my awsome husband and family but I just want to be with her so badly that I would give my life to see her, hold her just one more time. Who knew that even though she only live 9months inside me and only 3hrs here on earth the love that I have for her man, oh how I long to hold her in my arms. The love that has over taken my body I never thought possible. Even though she was only here for a short time she has truely touch me for a life time and more if possible.
I use to love the holidays this was my favorite time of the year and now I am not looking forward to it at all. I feel so selfish to everyone I dont want to celebrate anything with anyone no kids birthdays, no thanksgiving, and no christmas. It makes me hurt so much every time someone gets to throw a birthday party for their kids knowing that I am not going to have that with her ever. Or someone mentions the holidays. I dont know what to do and I dont know how to get out of this funk I am in. I dont like being like this mad and hateful all the time this isnt who I am. I love the holidays and I love being around friends and family and celebrating everything.
Where do I go from here? How do I get back to who I use to be? How do I have fun and enjoy myself without the guilt over taking me? When and How do I get my new normal?
I know I will never be the same. I do realize that I will have a new normal. I just want to know when I can start feeling it. I am so tried of being Mad and Angree all the time every day and it wears me out having to suppress it when I am around others who dont deserve it that I love. I am so confused as to what I am suppose to do now.
I pray that God gives me strength and pulls me through this. I know he will I am just waiting.
I love you Nevaeh Faith Park... with all that I am and all that I will be forever in my heart and always on my mind Love MOMMY my beautiful angel.
I miss her so much that there are days I think man I just wish that it was my time to go and I could be there with her. Then I realize how selfish it would be to my awsome husband and family but I just want to be with her so badly that I would give my life to see her, hold her just one more time. Who knew that even though she only live 9months inside me and only 3hrs here on earth the love that I have for her man, oh how I long to hold her in my arms. The love that has over taken my body I never thought possible. Even though she was only here for a short time she has truely touch me for a life time and more if possible.
I use to love the holidays this was my favorite time of the year and now I am not looking forward to it at all. I feel so selfish to everyone I dont want to celebrate anything with anyone no kids birthdays, no thanksgiving, and no christmas. It makes me hurt so much every time someone gets to throw a birthday party for their kids knowing that I am not going to have that with her ever. Or someone mentions the holidays. I dont know what to do and I dont know how to get out of this funk I am in. I dont like being like this mad and hateful all the time this isnt who I am. I love the holidays and I love being around friends and family and celebrating everything.
Where do I go from here? How do I get back to who I use to be? How do I have fun and enjoy myself without the guilt over taking me? When and How do I get my new normal?
I know I will never be the same. I do realize that I will have a new normal. I just want to know when I can start feeling it. I am so tried of being Mad and Angree all the time every day and it wears me out having to suppress it when I am around others who dont deserve it that I love. I am so confused as to what I am suppose to do now.
I pray that God gives me strength and pulls me through this. I know he will I am just waiting.
I love you Nevaeh Faith Park... with all that I am and all that I will be forever in my heart and always on my mind Love MOMMY my beautiful angel.
Monday, October 18, 2010
All For You (Oct. 15th 2010)
Well had a really good weekend Friday was Oct. 15th 2010 which is also Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Day. So I found this out 3weeks before the date and realized that there wasnt anything around the area and wanted to be apart of the movement. So I posted that I was doing a walk at the Wave Pool Park and would love to have an awsome turn out and that anyone was welcome. I wanted to do it in the evening and I had to change it a little over a week before due to the fact that the trail that I was going to use was going to be closed that eve. When I put the Info. on facebook and made annoucement at church and work, I started to see a chain reaction of other mommys coming together and being there for one another. I met alot of people in a short amount of time and realized there are alot of women I knew and didnt know that they had lost.
I posted this on a tue. that thur. I got a message from a mom saying that I need to give her a call. I called and she wanted to be apart and had already made calls and asking people for help. I was shocked to see people wanting to help when we werent an organinzation. Also a friend of mine donated things and called the mayor of Hurricane West Virginia to see if he would like to be there and be apart of this. When she called me back he had called her and was so excited that hurricane was going to be apart of this and wanted to be there but was out of town and hoped that we would have this special event in hurricane every year and if we make this an organization/foundation that he would help. How amazing the people that pulled together in a short amount of time.
So the day had come and we had a 100 bottles of water donated, two different places donate helium and balloons, a place donated 20 cups of coffee and then we went and bought muffins and donouts for everyone. Then I got a call from a mom that helped me telling me that a lady wanted to help and gave us a hundred dollars and that she called and got the news to come two days before.. How awsome is God that he brings the right person in your Life at the right time.
We had around 30 people come and support us which was amazing due to the short notice. When everyone arrived we started out by thanking everyone for coming out and supporting all the mommys that had lost and remembering all the Babies that were lost to soon.. Then my dad said a prayer to start things off then I started the walk. We walked a mile and when we came to the last lap the news man was at the top of the hill filming.
After we were done walking I had everyone come and sign the balloons and write a message to the babies if they wanted. The news man did some interviews then we did the release.. I pulled my car up and we played the Amazing Grace song that I had played at Nevaeh's service. For those of you who dont know that song is our song, I dont know why but when I was pregnant with her I use to go around and sing that song to her all the time, so it means alot to me.. I had my dad pray one more time before we let the balloons go. I looked and said 1 2 3 Now and everyone let go. We stood there watching and there was a cloud that was in the shape of a butterfly that the balloons were going towards. I went to get my camera and when I turned around it changed into a heart. It was so amazing and beautiful. Just when I think I am alone she gives me a sign... I just turned to the mom that helped me and hugged her so tight. Even though it was a tough day it was a good day to remember our babies together and be there for one another. After we were done we cleaned up and took pics and just talked.
After we left I went and bought two candles to make for Nevaeh and my aunts baby that had passed (Tera). I went home and personalized them and took pics. We all met at my aunts house at 5:30 p.m. and went to were tera is buried and said a prayer and she lit her candle and we just stood there for a bit remembering and telling stories. Then we packed up and went to Nevaeh. I had bought 5 balloons for me and Brandon to release together since he missed the walk and other balloon release due to work since we had to have it in the morning. We got there and signed our balloons wrote our message to her and daddy said his final prayer for the day. We released our balloons and then it was seven o'clock which started the Wave of Light when everyone was suppose to light candles to remember the angel babies. It was so emotional and beautiful at the same time. My whole family was there and they all lit candles as well. We took pics and stood staring at her candle with tears in my eyes I look up the sky and the moon went behind a cloud and when it did a big F appeared in the cloud of course I didnt have my camera again but everyone saw it and again I took it as a sign from my baby girl telling me mommy I am here with you and I see you. With tears running down my face I look back up to the sky and smile saying I love you Nevaeh.. So happy that so many people came together sharing this special day with me and the other mommys. I also have to give God Praise and Glory for all that he did and for blessing me with such wonderful family and friends. I Love you all dearly.
So excited that everything went well and that I have people coming to me wanting and encouraging me to start a chapter here in west virginia and have started getting the info that I need. Cant wait to see how awsome and bigger next year will be and hope to get others involved.
How awsome to be part of getting an Awareness out and Letting people be apart of remembering our babies.. Thank you again to everyone for wanting to be apart of this amazing move and bringing mothers together letting one another know that we are here for one another and that we can and will remember the babies together.
It was a draining, emotional, sad, happy day.. But at the end of it I was so glad to say that what got me through was knowing that I was doing it for my baby girl and to help others. I have received calls saying that it had helped some mommys that were ready to give up and that it meant alot to them and for that I am so honored to be apart of something so wonderful. Not to mention I enjoy doing what ever I can that involves my baby girl. Last but not least I just want to thank All the BLM's that included Nevaeh in things that they did it means more to me than I could ever say in words. God Bless each and everyone of you and your all always in my thoughts and prayers.
Always on my mind and 4-ever in my Heart I love you Nevaeh Faith Park...
I posted this on a tue. that thur. I got a message from a mom saying that I need to give her a call. I called and she wanted to be apart and had already made calls and asking people for help. I was shocked to see people wanting to help when we werent an organinzation. Also a friend of mine donated things and called the mayor of Hurricane West Virginia to see if he would like to be there and be apart of this. When she called me back he had called her and was so excited that hurricane was going to be apart of this and wanted to be there but was out of town and hoped that we would have this special event in hurricane every year and if we make this an organization/foundation that he would help. How amazing the people that pulled together in a short amount of time.
So the day had come and we had a 100 bottles of water donated, two different places donate helium and balloons, a place donated 20 cups of coffee and then we went and bought muffins and donouts for everyone. Then I got a call from a mom that helped me telling me that a lady wanted to help and gave us a hundred dollars and that she called and got the news to come two days before.. How awsome is God that he brings the right person in your Life at the right time.
We had around 30 people come and support us which was amazing due to the short notice. When everyone arrived we started out by thanking everyone for coming out and supporting all the mommys that had lost and remembering all the Babies that were lost to soon.. Then my dad said a prayer to start things off then I started the walk. We walked a mile and when we came to the last lap the news man was at the top of the hill filming.
After we were done walking I had everyone come and sign the balloons and write a message to the babies if they wanted. The news man did some interviews then we did the release.. I pulled my car up and we played the Amazing Grace song that I had played at Nevaeh's service. For those of you who dont know that song is our song, I dont know why but when I was pregnant with her I use to go around and sing that song to her all the time, so it means alot to me.. I had my dad pray one more time before we let the balloons go. I looked and said 1 2 3 Now and everyone let go. We stood there watching and there was a cloud that was in the shape of a butterfly that the balloons were going towards. I went to get my camera and when I turned around it changed into a heart. It was so amazing and beautiful. Just when I think I am alone she gives me a sign... I just turned to the mom that helped me and hugged her so tight. Even though it was a tough day it was a good day to remember our babies together and be there for one another. After we were done we cleaned up and took pics and just talked.
After we left I went and bought two candles to make for Nevaeh and my aunts baby that had passed (Tera). I went home and personalized them and took pics. We all met at my aunts house at 5:30 p.m. and went to were tera is buried and said a prayer and she lit her candle and we just stood there for a bit remembering and telling stories. Then we packed up and went to Nevaeh. I had bought 5 balloons for me and Brandon to release together since he missed the walk and other balloon release due to work since we had to have it in the morning. We got there and signed our balloons wrote our message to her and daddy said his final prayer for the day. We released our balloons and then it was seven o'clock which started the Wave of Light when everyone was suppose to light candles to remember the angel babies. It was so emotional and beautiful at the same time. My whole family was there and they all lit candles as well. We took pics and stood staring at her candle with tears in my eyes I look up the sky and the moon went behind a cloud and when it did a big F appeared in the cloud of course I didnt have my camera again but everyone saw it and again I took it as a sign from my baby girl telling me mommy I am here with you and I see you. With tears running down my face I look back up to the sky and smile saying I love you Nevaeh.. So happy that so many people came together sharing this special day with me and the other mommys. I also have to give God Praise and Glory for all that he did and for blessing me with such wonderful family and friends. I Love you all dearly.
So excited that everything went well and that I have people coming to me wanting and encouraging me to start a chapter here in west virginia and have started getting the info that I need. Cant wait to see how awsome and bigger next year will be and hope to get others involved.
How awsome to be part of getting an Awareness out and Letting people be apart of remembering our babies.. Thank you again to everyone for wanting to be apart of this amazing move and bringing mothers together letting one another know that we are here for one another and that we can and will remember the babies together.
It was a draining, emotional, sad, happy day.. But at the end of it I was so glad to say that what got me through was knowing that I was doing it for my baby girl and to help others. I have received calls saying that it had helped some mommys that were ready to give up and that it meant alot to them and for that I am so honored to be apart of something so wonderful. Not to mention I enjoy doing what ever I can that involves my baby girl. Last but not least I just want to thank All the BLM's that included Nevaeh in things that they did it means more to me than I could ever say in words. God Bless each and everyone of you and your all always in my thoughts and prayers.
Always on my mind and 4-ever in my Heart I love you Nevaeh Faith Park...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Not Sure!!
Well its been awhile since I have been on here and alot has been going on. I did a stand against abortion on sunday and as I stood there thinking and praying to myself I stopped and a thought went through my head, here I am fighting and hurting wanting my baby back so bad that I would give my life for just one more minute with her and then here you have people wanting to get rid of their children and killing them how unfair this world truely is. I just dont know what to even say just not sure at all because all the things that keep running through my head are not nice in the least bit.
On another note that morning while getting ready for church I came across this purple cover up (cami or jacket) that I use to wear while I was pregnant with Nevaeh. I loved it so much, so I decided to wear it to feel close to her (purple is her color). Anyways so I get to church we are doin praise and worship and havin a great time with God praising him giving thanks and as soon as I start to pray about Nevaeh the very last song we sing is Amazing Grace.. For those of you who dont know why that just about brought me to my knees is because my whole pregnancy I always sang that song to her never really knew why it just came to me one day in the shower I was holding my belly talking to her and then starting singing so after that day I sang that to her at least once a day. I look at it as it is our song.. I had it played at her service by a friend that has an amazing voice and what an awsome way to honor her. So when I hear that song it tears my heart out. Anyways as I am standing there I start praying to God to please take good care of her (as I know he will) but to also give her a big hug and kiss for me and her daddy and tell her we love her and then the song starts. This is not a song we sing that often at church. I felt my whole inside just drop. Just when I start to feel that I am just going to give up and that I cant do it anymore its like I get a sign from her saying I am here mommy and I hear you and I love you also.
I know it may seem so crazy to others but let me tell you how much better it makes me feel to know that she is still around I may not get to see her or hold her but I know in my heart she is with me every day and I just pray that I make her proud of me and her daddy. If I have to go through this world without her, I am going to do my best to make sure she is never forgotten and that I can do my best to be the best mommy to her in all the ways that I can.
I Love you Nevaeh Faith Park always on my mind and always in my heart Love Mommy <3
On another note that morning while getting ready for church I came across this purple cover up (cami or jacket) that I use to wear while I was pregnant with Nevaeh. I loved it so much, so I decided to wear it to feel close to her (purple is her color). Anyways so I get to church we are doin praise and worship and havin a great time with God praising him giving thanks and as soon as I start to pray about Nevaeh the very last song we sing is Amazing Grace.. For those of you who dont know why that just about brought me to my knees is because my whole pregnancy I always sang that song to her never really knew why it just came to me one day in the shower I was holding my belly talking to her and then starting singing so after that day I sang that to her at least once a day. I look at it as it is our song.. I had it played at her service by a friend that has an amazing voice and what an awsome way to honor her. So when I hear that song it tears my heart out. Anyways as I am standing there I start praying to God to please take good care of her (as I know he will) but to also give her a big hug and kiss for me and her daddy and tell her we love her and then the song starts. This is not a song we sing that often at church. I felt my whole inside just drop. Just when I start to feel that I am just going to give up and that I cant do it anymore its like I get a sign from her saying I am here mommy and I hear you and I love you also.
I know it may seem so crazy to others but let me tell you how much better it makes me feel to know that she is still around I may not get to see her or hold her but I know in my heart she is with me every day and I just pray that I make her proud of me and her daddy. If I have to go through this world without her, I am going to do my best to make sure she is never forgotten and that I can do my best to be the best mommy to her in all the ways that I can.
I Love you Nevaeh Faith Park always on my mind and always in my heart Love Mommy <3
Monday, September 27, 2010
No words!!
Well I got no sleep last night at all.. I knew that today my BEAUTIFUL ANGEL NEVAEH FAITH would be 7months... Seems so crazy to thank that 7 months ago I was laying in a hospital bed holding my baby girl wishing she would come back to us...
There are days that go by and I feel that my life isnt ever going to get better.. Like today all I could think about is that another month has gone by without you here and I dont want to go another day to go by without you.. My heart aches so much and the pain seems to be getting worse with each passing day.. I know that people think that I am strong when really I am fake.. I am out at work acting like everything is alright and that we are doin ok..
But guess what I'm not and everything isnt ok... My love and whole meaning of life was taken from me.. I am just trying to figure all this out I dont understand and cant make any sense of any of it.. I miss you so much Nevaeh and Long to hold you in my arms so bad that I feel like I am going crazy..
Always on my mind and Always in my heart... Goodnight angel until i see you again with all my love and all that I am Love mommy..
There are days that go by and I feel that my life isnt ever going to get better.. Like today all I could think about is that another month has gone by without you here and I dont want to go another day to go by without you.. My heart aches so much and the pain seems to be getting worse with each passing day.. I know that people think that I am strong when really I am fake.. I am out at work acting like everything is alright and that we are doin ok..
But guess what I'm not and everything isnt ok... My love and whole meaning of life was taken from me.. I am just trying to figure all this out I dont understand and cant make any sense of any of it.. I miss you so much Nevaeh and Long to hold you in my arms so bad that I feel like I am going crazy..
Always on my mind and Always in my heart... Goodnight angel until i see you again with all my love and all that I am Love mommy..
Thursday, September 23, 2010
For you
I sit back and watch others and wonder why they are going to get to have their families and I couldnt have mine.. Did I do something so wrong that I am being punished.. I know that God doesnt really work that way, but I have to tell you baby girl I feel like that is whats going on. I sit and think everyday what could have done that was so awful that could have taken you away from me and your daddy.. I wish that there was away I could go back and take it all back and do things different.. I would protect you more from people who should not have touched me.. I am so so sorry that I picked that hospital and those dr.'s if I could have saved you or even give my life for yours I would in a heart beat. I am so sorry baby girl oh how I am so sorry. I love you with every fiber of my being...
I went and changed your flowers today with daddy and we made you a pumpkin and put it with your flowers, it was so pretty baby girl and I hope that you are smiling from above. Its moments like that make me smile doing things for you and then I think of how I want to be doin so much more and my heart just aches and aches all over again.. All I think of is you and all I want to do is to do things for you every sec of every day..
I try to go through my days like everything is fine when it really isnt.. I dont like acting like I am ok and put a smile on my face, when all I want to do is just lay in bed and think of you and how you felt when I held you in my arms..
I wanna know WHY you were taken from US!!! I wanna know how I am suppose to go on with life without you.. It doesnt feel right and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.. Without you my life seems so meaningless.. I know in my heart that you are with me and that puts a smile on my face.. Until next time I love and miss you baby girl... Always on my mind and Always in my Heart love MOMMY
I went and changed your flowers today with daddy and we made you a pumpkin and put it with your flowers, it was so pretty baby girl and I hope that you are smiling from above. Its moments like that make me smile doing things for you and then I think of how I want to be doin so much more and my heart just aches and aches all over again.. All I think of is you and all I want to do is to do things for you every sec of every day..
I try to go through my days like everything is fine when it really isnt.. I dont like acting like I am ok and put a smile on my face, when all I want to do is just lay in bed and think of you and how you felt when I held you in my arms..
I wanna know WHY you were taken from US!!! I wanna know how I am suppose to go on with life without you.. It doesnt feel right and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.. Without you my life seems so meaningless.. I know in my heart that you are with me and that puts a smile on my face.. Until next time I love and miss you baby girl... Always on my mind and Always in my Heart love MOMMY
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Just a random day
Well today was an ok day.. Came home yesterday from work to find a gift laying on the table.. It was white with butterflies on it so I went over to it to discover it was a gift for me.. I read the card and all it said hope this makes you feel a lil better and to let you think of your sweet lil Angel Nevaeh... Let me tell it touched my heart in away that you will never know.. It was a pair of butterfly earrings and a guardian angel pin with a saying... Just when you think that not one person understands or even thinks about the pain your in someone so sweet does something like that to show that they care.. I truely am blessed with awsome friends and family...
I went to visit you today baby girl with your daddy.. I saw that your balloons were down, Mommy & Daddy will get you more and I also am going to make you a new arrangment this weekend with a lil somthing special in it... It makes me feel really good to be there with your daddy and you.. I know its werid but i close my eyes and see my perfect family that I should have had... It was a good day baby girl we went for a ride on the bike came and saw you and went saw madyn hope you two are the bestest of friends.. came home went and had dinner with uncle bub, tiffy, shaw shaw, brain and some new friends.. Had a good time but never forgot you for a min.. Me and your Daddy are doin good and going close through all this.. I will make you this one promise that I will never allow us to pull apart through this we may have are hard times but we will get through. Until I see you again I love and miss you my ANGEL!!!
P.s. this should have posted Saturday the 18th but didnt dont know why it went to save but these are my thoughts to you sat baby girl..
I went to visit you today baby girl with your daddy.. I saw that your balloons were down, Mommy & Daddy will get you more and I also am going to make you a new arrangment this weekend with a lil somthing special in it... It makes me feel really good to be there with your daddy and you.. I know its werid but i close my eyes and see my perfect family that I should have had... It was a good day baby girl we went for a ride on the bike came and saw you and went saw madyn hope you two are the bestest of friends.. came home went and had dinner with uncle bub, tiffy, shaw shaw, brain and some new friends.. Had a good time but never forgot you for a min.. Me and your Daddy are doin good and going close through all this.. I will make you this one promise that I will never allow us to pull apart through this we may have are hard times but we will get through. Until I see you again I love and miss you my ANGEL!!!
P.s. this should have posted Saturday the 18th but didnt dont know why it went to save but these are my thoughts to you sat baby girl..
Never Knowing!!
Today I woke up feeling pretty good.. I went & got weighed today and lost 5lbs. then went and talked to a friend and got some things out.. I went to target and got some stuff for my Lia Sophia stuff.. Then I went to Micheal's to get you a pumkin to decorate.. I start to go through looking at all the stuff and found you the perfect one, made just for you.. I then starting looking around more and see that they have their christmas stuff out.. I walk by all these tiny ornaments and just break down right there in the middle of the store with people looking at me.. I didnt care cuz that very moment I realized that all I get to buy you is lawn ornaments and little things to decorate your grave with, when all I want to do is hold you and taking you shopping with me and buy you cute clothes and toys..BUT NOOOO I dont get to do that and its just not fair..
I finshed getting everything I needed and left and as I was driving back to work I felt my heart crumbling and aching and broke down again in the car.. I cant understand why your time on earth was so short.. but I know one thing the few mins. I got to spend with you, you touched my heart in away that words could never explain.. I never knew that I could Love someone as much as I love you... From the moment I layed eyes on you I was filled with so much joy and love that it over took me and within mins my happiness was takin from me and I dont understand it one bit...
I got back to work and cleaned myself up and did what I had to do... When I finished I went to Zumba and when it was finished my instructor looked at me and ask if I had found you a pumpkin yet cuz if not she was going to go and find one... I cant explain how much it means to know that some people do pay attention and care enough about me and you that they were going to take time out of their day to go and get you something that I couldnt find.. I truely do have people in my life that I just apperciate more than they will ever know...
I just never know how my day is going to end up I wake up feeling like I am going to be ok and then I lose it..Other days I wake up in a mood and not wanting to get out of bed and then something good happens like someone saying or doing something or even just a thought of you that just makes me smile and then im ok.. I just Never Know.. But I do know one thing is for sure I love you more and miss you more and more with each passing day.
I am back home with your Daddy now and think I am going to finish your fall stuff and bring it to you tomorrow.. Until then my sweetness Always on my mind and Always in my Heart forever Mommy Loves you Baby Girl *NFP*
I finshed getting everything I needed and left and as I was driving back to work I felt my heart crumbling and aching and broke down again in the car.. I cant understand why your time on earth was so short.. but I know one thing the few mins. I got to spend with you, you touched my heart in away that words could never explain.. I never knew that I could Love someone as much as I love you... From the moment I layed eyes on you I was filled with so much joy and love that it over took me and within mins my happiness was takin from me and I dont understand it one bit...
I got back to work and cleaned myself up and did what I had to do... When I finished I went to Zumba and when it was finished my instructor looked at me and ask if I had found you a pumpkin yet cuz if not she was going to go and find one... I cant explain how much it means to know that some people do pay attention and care enough about me and you that they were going to take time out of their day to go and get you something that I couldnt find.. I truely do have people in my life that I just apperciate more than they will ever know...
I just never know how my day is going to end up I wake up feeling like I am going to be ok and then I lose it..Other days I wake up in a mood and not wanting to get out of bed and then something good happens like someone saying or doing something or even just a thought of you that just makes me smile and then im ok.. I just Never Know.. But I do know one thing is for sure I love you more and miss you more and more with each passing day.
I am back home with your Daddy now and think I am going to finish your fall stuff and bring it to you tomorrow.. Until then my sweetness Always on my mind and Always in my Heart forever Mommy Loves you Baby Girl *NFP*
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Just Me & You
As I sit here thinking of you it seems like I am all alone.. It seems to me that no one understands how it is to be sitting and not have you beside me.. All I want to do is just wrap my arms around you and hold you tight and tell you how much I love you and want to be with you.. All I want to do is talk about you and to let everyone I come into contact with know how wonderful and how perfect you were/are.. Even though you have left us in body here on earth I know in my heart you are here in spirit with me everyday..
I may have held you in my arms for only a min but I will hold you in my heart always.. As long as I live I will make sure to do my best to let your name be known and let it live in the hearts of others forever.
I am so sorry for what as happened to you and wish I could lay my life down for you and allow you to live.. I know you are pretty special cuz God needed you with him.. So until I get to see you again and hold you in my arms know that I love you with all that I am and I am so proud to say that you are my daugther and that I am your Mommy... Love Always, MOMMY
I may have held you in my arms for only a min but I will hold you in my heart always.. As long as I live I will make sure to do my best to let your name be known and let it live in the hearts of others forever.
I am so sorry for what as happened to you and wish I could lay my life down for you and allow you to live.. I know you are pretty special cuz God needed you with him.. So until I get to see you again and hold you in my arms know that I love you with all that I am and I am so proud to say that you are my daugther and that I am your Mommy... Love Always, MOMMY
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sis's Wedding!!
Everything was going great, we left friday afternoon to go to the farm I was so excited for her. We get to the farm & get everything setup for the wedding & I go up to start the flower arrangements. When I get up there I noticed that I needed more vases for the flowers. Barb brings down two vases & sits one down in front of me as I turn my head & look to see what she brought I grab my chest & the sense of happiness & hurt all at once over take my body as I start to cry. The vase she sat in front of me was a purple vase with three little butterflies on it. For most of you, you may not know but purple is my baby girls color & when I make her flower arrangements I always put a butterfly in it somewhere. I take the butterflies as a symbol of Me, her Daddy & her our Beautiful lil Angel.
I take a min and close my eyes to take it all in and when I do I felt this warm feeling just come over me. At that very moment I knew in my heart it was my baby girls way of saying: Mommy I am right here with you and that I love you. I smiled with tears running down my face and out loud said I love you Baby Girl...
I clear my face and start working on the flowers again.. I get them all done and set them in the vases and put them on the desk. We all go on doing all the bridal things you do before the wedding and just hang out. When I felt myself getting sad or pulling away I would just look up and that vase would be facing me & all I could do would be to smile. We all went to bed and got up very early and started getting ready. I got up out of bed & of course look over at the vase & all I could say is I'm ok & it's going to be a good day...
We finish getting ready in the sissy barn and then go over to the house to get dressed. When I get over there sis had me come in and help her get dressed which meant the world to me. She was amazing, Beautiful from head to toe. I looked at her & asked are you ready & she said yes. We go down stairs to the kitchen where the door was that we came out from & on the table sits the flowers in the vase. I look down & then look up & sis says: Its ok she is here with us & is going to be apart of this with us. What I didnt mention is that the wedding was also purple the dress i was wearing to the decorations everything. All day I felt such warmth knowing that even though I couldnt see her, I could feel her with me & that she was there to see her aunt chessy get married...
Baby Girl I may not be able to see you but I do feel you with me.. My heart aches for you every sec of everyday.. What I would give to just be able to hold you in my arms for even just a min. & tell you how much I love you.. Forever on my mind and Forever in my HEART with all the love I have to give Love Mommy.
I take a min and close my eyes to take it all in and when I do I felt this warm feeling just come over me. At that very moment I knew in my heart it was my baby girls way of saying: Mommy I am right here with you and that I love you. I smiled with tears running down my face and out loud said I love you Baby Girl...
I clear my face and start working on the flowers again.. I get them all done and set them in the vases and put them on the desk. We all go on doing all the bridal things you do before the wedding and just hang out. When I felt myself getting sad or pulling away I would just look up and that vase would be facing me & all I could do would be to smile. We all went to bed and got up very early and started getting ready. I got up out of bed & of course look over at the vase & all I could say is I'm ok & it's going to be a good day...
We finish getting ready in the sissy barn and then go over to the house to get dressed. When I get over there sis had me come in and help her get dressed which meant the world to me. She was amazing, Beautiful from head to toe. I looked at her & asked are you ready & she said yes. We go down stairs to the kitchen where the door was that we came out from & on the table sits the flowers in the vase. I look down & then look up & sis says: Its ok she is here with us & is going to be apart of this with us. What I didnt mention is that the wedding was also purple the dress i was wearing to the decorations everything. All day I felt such warmth knowing that even though I couldnt see her, I could feel her with me & that she was there to see her aunt chessy get married...
Baby Girl I may not be able to see you but I do feel you with me.. My heart aches for you every sec of everyday.. What I would give to just be able to hold you in my arms for even just a min. & tell you how much I love you.. Forever on my mind and Forever in my HEART with all the love I have to give Love Mommy.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Always Thinking of you!!!
I wake up and I am thinking of you... I get in the car to go to work and I am thinking of you.. I go to the store and I want to but you clothes and toys or just something because I am thinking of you.... I think of you every second of everyday and wonder how I am suppose to go on knowing that your suppose to be with me everyday.. I love you with all my heart, soul, and all that I am and will be. I look up into the sky thinking that its just not fair. I should be looking into your eyes.. I never got to see you open your eyes, hear your cry, or see you smile.. I miss you everyday and you are my world and I will never let your name fade.. Everyone I meet will know that I have a Daughter and her name is Nevaeh Faith Park.. My perfect angel I am so very very proud of you... I miss you so very much all I want to do is just hold you and tell you how much I miss you. Until I see you again baby girl I love you Love mommy!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)