My Angel

My Angel

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I am sorry & I love n Miss you

Well baby girl its been awhile since I have been on here to write you and I am so sorry.  I thought it would be so easy to sit down and write to you and pour my feelings out to you but sometimes it just hurt so bad that I walked way from it and just talk to you instead. Found out that both ways hurt the same.  I miss you so much every sec of every day that no matter how I say my feelings it all fills the same.  Alot as been going on lately, since I last wrote on here I found out that I am pregnant again three days after thanksgiving. I was so happy and scared at the same time that I didnt know what to do.  I told our family and some friends but kept it quit for awhile.  After seeing the dr. he made me feel a lil better about everything and we are doing good.  I found out a week ago tomorrow that we are going to be having another baby girl and in honor of you angel we are going to give her your middle name. I cant believe your going to be a big sister.

Christmas was so hard without you. I watched your cousin who is only three weeks older than you and wonder if you would be walking like him and if you would be getting excited the way he did and all the other things that I saw. I wonder what you would look like would it still be like me or would your looks change and you start to look more like your daddy.  These are just a few of the things I think about everyday and the holidays made it harder being around everyone and seeing them with their kids and wondering why we couldnt have ours with us. Then my birthday came around after christmas and well lets just say it wasnt the best knowing that you should have been here with me well it just wasnt great. Then we have v-day and although I love your daddy more than any words could say I still wish that you were here with us to celebrate so there again it wasnt the best.

Now less than two weeks away I have your 1st birthday coming up and how I cant believe your going to be one. Like I have said before there are times when I think wow it only seems like yesterday I was holding you in my arms praying that you would wake up and take a breath and open your eyes and look at me then in another since it seems like so long since I felt you and hugged you and rocked you in the rocking chair singing  to you and telling you that I love you and how much I was going to miss you. I long to hold you in my arms everyday how I would love to hold even just for one more min.

So on your Birthday Feb. 27th we are going celebrate you baby girl, me and mimi are going to make you a beautiful butterfly cake with purple and teal iceing and we are going to have a dinner for the whole family to come over and make the day about you and celebrate you and then we are going to the cemetary to bring you balloons and a cake of your own and light a candle and tell you how much we all love and miss you. Although it isnt what I had in mind when I was pregnant with you and thought of when I thought of your 1st birthday party. Even though its not what I plained and even though its going to be one of the hardest day I am going to be going through I am still going to make sure that you are celebrated as if you were still here and make it special for you and realize how lucky I am to have a daughter as wonderful, beautiful, and as special as you. I realize that even though I hurt everyday that I am still the luckiest mommy in the world because you are my daughter.  You have touched so many lives and you were only here for 3 hours. It takes such a special person to do what you have done baby girl.

In my heart I feel you everyday and I know you are going to watch over your little sister and that means the world to me. I am going to tell her what a wonderful and special big sister she has and how lucky she and how I wish she could have met you baby I am so sorry, I am so so sorry for what as happened to you.  I LOVE YOU WITH ALL THAT I AM AND ALL THAT I WILL BE    LOVE MOMMY

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thanksgiving with the family..

Well another holiday has passed without my baby girl but we made it through. We came up to Fortashby with Brandons family on wed. It was really nice and good seeing everyone but of course I missed my side of the family though.  I was doing ok until we sat down for dinner on thursday I looked around the table and saw that everyone had their own lil families within the family and it hurts. Why not us? I had to excuse myself and go take a breath. I am so greatful for all that God has given me and so thankful for the time that I got to spend with her but oh how I wish I could have her here with us.  I know that God has turely blessed Brandon and I very much with a wonderful family and friends and they have been there for us.  I just keep praying for strength that God gets us through this and I know in my heart that she is with me everyday in spirit I can feel her everyday.

I Love you Nevaeh Faith Park Always.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Pain!!

Well its been awhile since I have been on here as you all may have noticed. I feel so lost and alone that I have just been keeping to myself.  I know that I am not alone but it just feels that way in my heart. I keep trying to hand this situation and all the pain and grief to God but before I know it I have taken it over again.  I have consumed myself in so much lately that I feel like I am sinking in a pool of water and cant get out.  I live, breath, talk, walk, Nevaeh. My whole life I have made all about her and in one since it brings me so much joy but in another since I feel so much pain and I dont know what to do. I dont want to not talk about her and do things for her or about her but in the same since I feel like I cant breath sometimes from the pain there is so much pressure that it hurts. I have consumed myself in her so much that here lately day after day I feel like I am reliving that awful day over and over again when they looked at me and told me that our beautiful baby girl wasn't going to make it and all those feelings that day come right back like a rush of water and over take me all over again

I miss her so much that there are days I think man I just wish that it was my time to go and I could be there with her.  Then I realize how selfish it would be to my awsome husband and family but I just want to be with her so badly that I would give my life to see her, hold her just one more time.  Who knew that even though she only live 9months inside me and only 3hrs here on earth the love that I have for her man, oh how I long to hold her in my arms. The love that has over taken my body I never thought possible. Even though she was only here for a short time she has truely touch me for a life time and more if possible. 

I use to love the holidays this was my favorite time of the year and now I am not looking forward to it at all.  I feel so selfish to everyone I dont want to celebrate anything with anyone no kids birthdays, no thanksgiving, and no christmas.  It makes me hurt so much every time someone gets to throw a birthday party for their kids knowing that I am not going to have that with her ever. Or someone mentions the holidays. I dont know what to do and I dont know how to get out of this funk I am in. I dont like being like this mad and hateful all the time this isnt who I am.  I love the holidays and I love being around friends and family and celebrating everything.

Where do I go from here? How do I get back to who I use to be? How do I have fun and enjoy myself without the guilt over taking me? When and How do I get my new normal?

I know I will never be the same. I do realize that I will have a new normal. I just want to know when I can start feeling it. I am so tried of being Mad and Angree all the time every day and it wears me out having to suppress it when I am around others who dont deserve it that I love. I am so confused as to what I am suppose to do now.

I pray that God gives me strength and pulls me through this. I know he will I am just waiting.

I love you Nevaeh Faith Park... with all that I am and all that I will be forever in my heart and always on my mind Love MOMMY my beautiful angel.

Monday, October 18, 2010

All For You (Oct. 15th 2010)

Well had a really good weekend Friday was Oct. 15th 2010 which is also Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Day.  So I found this out 3weeks before the date and realized that there wasnt anything around the area and wanted to be apart of the movement. So I posted that I was doing a walk at the Wave Pool Park and would love to have an awsome turn out and that anyone was welcome. I wanted to do it in the evening and I had to change it a little over a week before due to the fact that the trail that I was going to use was going to be closed that eve. When I put the Info. on facebook and made annoucement at church and work, I started to see a chain reaction of other mommys coming together and being there for one another. I met alot of people in a short amount of time and realized there are alot of women I knew and didnt know that they had lost.

I posted this on a tue. that thur. I got a message from a mom saying that I need to give her a call. I called and she wanted to be apart and had already made calls and asking people for help.  I was shocked to see people wanting to help when we werent an organinzation. Also a friend of mine donated things and called the mayor of Hurricane West Virginia to see if he would like to be there and be apart of this. When she called me back he had called her and was so excited that hurricane was going to be apart of this and wanted to be there but was out of town and hoped that we would have this special event in hurricane every year and if we make this an organization/foundation that he would help. How amazing the people that pulled together in a short amount of time.

So the day had come and we had a 100 bottles of  water donated, two different places donate helium and balloons, a place donated 20 cups of coffee and then we went and bought muffins and donouts for everyone. Then I got a call from a mom that helped me telling me that a lady wanted to help and gave us a hundred dollars and that she called and got the news to come two days before.. How awsome is God that he brings the right person in your Life at the right time.

We had around 30 people come and support us which was amazing due to the short notice. When everyone arrived we started out by thanking everyone for coming out and supporting all the mommys that had lost and remembering all the Babies that were lost to soon.. Then my dad said a prayer to start things off then I started the walk. We walked a mile and when we came to the last lap the news man was at the top of the hill filming.

After we were done walking I had everyone come and sign the balloons and write a message to the babies if they wanted. The news man did some interviews then we did the release.. I pulled my car up and we played the Amazing Grace song that I had played at Nevaeh's service. For those of you who dont know that song is our song, I dont know why but when I was pregnant with her I use to go around and sing that song to her all the time, so it means alot to me.. I had my dad pray one more time before we let the balloons go. I looked and said 1 2 3 Now and everyone let go. We stood there watching and there was a cloud that was in the shape of a butterfly that the balloons were going towards. I went to get my camera and when I turned around it changed into a heart. It was so amazing and beautiful. Just when I think I am alone she gives me a sign... I just turned to the mom that helped me and hugged her so tight.  Even though it was a tough day it was a good day to remember our babies together and be there for one another. After we were done we cleaned up and took pics and just talked.

After we left I went and bought two candles to make for Nevaeh and my aunts baby that had passed (Tera). I went home and personalized them and took pics. We all met at my aunts house at 5:30 p.m. and went to were tera is buried and said a prayer and she lit her candle and we just stood there for a bit remembering and telling stories. Then we packed up and went to Nevaeh. I had bought 5 balloons for me and Brandon to release together since he missed the walk and other balloon release due to work since we had to have it in the morning. We got there and signed our balloons wrote our message to her and daddy said his final prayer for the day. We released our balloons and then it was seven o'clock which started the Wave of Light when everyone was suppose to light candles to remember the angel babies. It was so emotional and beautiful at the same time. My whole family was there and they all lit candles as well. We took pics and stood staring at her candle with tears in my eyes I look up the sky and the moon went behind a cloud and when it did a big F appeared in the cloud of course I didnt have my camera again but everyone saw it and again I took it as a sign from my baby girl telling me mommy I am here with you and I see you. With tears running down my face I look back up to the sky and smile saying I love you Nevaeh.. So happy that so many people came together sharing this special day with me and the other mommys. I also have to give God Praise and Glory for all that he did and for blessing me with such wonderful family and friends. I Love you all dearly.

So excited that everything went well and that I have people coming to me wanting and encouraging me to start a chapter here in west virginia and have started getting the info that I need. Cant wait to see how awsome and bigger next year will be and hope to get others involved.

How awsome to be part of getting an Awareness out and Letting people be apart of remembering our babies.. Thank you again to everyone for wanting to be apart of this amazing move and bringing mothers together letting one another know that we are here for one another and that we can and will remember the babies together.

It was a draining, emotional, sad, happy day.. But at the end of it I was so glad to say that what got me through was knowing that I was doing it for my baby girl and to help others. I have received calls saying that it had helped some mommys that were ready to give up and that it meant alot to them and for that I am so honored to be apart of something so wonderful. Not to mention I enjoy doing what ever I can that involves my baby girl. Last but not least I just want to thank All the BLM's that included Nevaeh in things that they did it means more to me than I could ever say in words. God Bless each and everyone of you and your all always in my thoughts and prayers.

Always on my mind and 4-ever in my Heart I love you  Nevaeh Faith Park...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Not Sure!!

Well its been awhile since I have been on here and alot has been going on. I did a stand against abortion on sunday and as I stood there thinking and praying to myself I stopped and a thought went through my head, here I am fighting and hurting wanting my baby back so bad that I would give my life for just one more minute with her and then here you have people wanting to get rid of their children and killing them how unfair this world truely is. I just dont know what to even say just not sure at all because all the things that keep running through my head are not nice in the least bit.

On another note that morning while getting ready for church I came across this purple cover up (cami or jacket) that I use to wear while I was pregnant with Nevaeh. I loved it so much, so I decided to wear it to feel close to her (purple is her color). Anyways so I get to church we are doin praise and worship and havin a great time with God praising him giving thanks and as soon as I start to pray about Nevaeh the very last song we sing is Amazing Grace.. For those of you who dont know why that just about brought me to my knees is because my whole pregnancy I always sang that song to her never really knew why it just came to me one day in the shower I was holding my belly talking to her and then starting singing so after that day I sang that to her at least once a day. I look at it as it is our song.. I had it played at her service by a friend that has an amazing voice and what an awsome way to honor her. So when I hear that song it tears my heart out. Anyways as I am standing there I start praying to God to please take good care of her (as I know he will) but to also give her a big hug and kiss for me and her daddy and tell her we love her and then the song starts. This is not a song we sing that often at church. I felt my whole inside just drop. Just when I start to feel that I am just going to give up and that I cant do it anymore its like I get a sign from her saying I am here mommy and I hear you and I love you also.

I know it may seem so crazy to others but let me tell you how much better it makes me feel to know that she is still around I may not get to see her or hold her but I know in my heart she is with me every day and I just pray that I make her proud of me and her daddy. If I have to go through this world without her, I am going to do my best to make sure she is never forgotten and that I can do my best to be the best mommy to her in all the ways that I can.

I Love you Nevaeh Faith Park always on my mind and always in my heart Love Mommy  <3

Monday, September 27, 2010

No words!!

Well I got no sleep last night at all.. I knew that today my BEAUTIFUL ANGEL NEVAEH FAITH would be 7months... Seems so crazy to thank that 7 months ago I was laying in a hospital bed holding my baby girl wishing she would come back to us...

There are days that go by and I feel that my life isnt ever going to get better.. Like today all I could think about is that another month has gone by without you here and I dont want to go another day  to go by without you.. My heart aches so much and the pain seems to be getting worse with each passing day.. I know that people think that I am strong when really I am fake.. I am out at work acting like everything is alright and that we are doin ok..

But guess what I'm not and everything isnt ok... My love and whole meaning of life was taken from me.. I am just trying to figure all this out I dont understand and cant make any sense of any of it.. I miss you so much Nevaeh and Long to hold you in my arms so bad that I feel like I am going crazy..

Always on my mind and Always in my heart... Goodnight angel until i see you again with all my love and all that I am Love mommy..

Thursday, September 23, 2010

For you

I sit back and watch others and wonder why they are going to get to have their families and I couldnt have mine.. Did I do something so wrong that I am being punished.. I know that God doesnt really work that way, but I have to tell you baby girl I feel like that is whats going on. I sit and think everyday what could have done that was so awful that could have taken you away from me and your daddy.. I wish that there was away I could go back and take it all back and do things different.. I would protect you more from people who should not have touched me.. I am so so sorry that I picked that hospital and those dr.'s if I could have saved you or even give my life for yours I would in a heart beat. I am so sorry baby girl oh how I am so sorry. I love you with every fiber of my being...

I went and changed your flowers today with daddy and we made you a pumpkin and put it with your flowers, it was so pretty baby girl and I hope that you are smiling from above.  Its moments like that make me smile doing things for you and then I think of how I want to be doin so much more and my heart just aches and aches all over again.. All I think of is you and all I want to do is to do things for you every sec of every day..

I try to go through my days like everything is fine when it really isnt.. I dont like acting like I am ok and put a smile on my face, when all I want to do is just lay in bed and think of you and how you felt when I held you in my arms..

I wanna know WHY you were taken from US!!!  I wanna know how I am suppose to go on with life without you.. It doesnt feel right and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.. Without you my life seems so meaningless.. I know in my heart that you are with me and that puts a smile on my face.. Until next time I love and miss you baby girl... Always on my mind and Always in my Heart love MOMMY