The Pain!!

Well its been awhile since I have been on here as you all may have noticed. I feel so lost and alone that I have just been keeping to myself.  I know that I am not alone but it just feels that way in my heart. I keep trying to hand this situation and all the pain and grief to God but before I know it I have taken it over again.  I have consumed myself in so much lately that I feel like I am sinking in a pool of water and cant get out.  I live, breath, talk, walk, Nevaeh. My whole life I have made all about her and in one since it brings me so much joy but in another since I feel so much pain and I dont know what to do. I dont want to not talk about her and do things for her or about her but in the same since I feel like I cant breath sometimes from the pain there is so much pressure that it hurts. I have consumed myself in her so much that here lately day after day I feel like I am reliving that awful day over and over again when they looked at me and told me that our beautiful baby girl wasn't going to make it and all those feelings that day come right back like a rush of water and over take me all over again

I miss her so much that there are days I think man I just wish that it was my time to go and I could be there with her.  Then I realize how selfish it would be to my awsome husband and family but I just want to be with her so badly that I would give my life to see her, hold her just one more time.  Who knew that even though she only live 9months inside me and only 3hrs here on earth the love that I have for her man, oh how I long to hold her in my arms. The love that has over taken my body I never thought possible. Even though she was only here for a short time she has truely touch me for a life time and more if possible. 

I use to love the holidays this was my favorite time of the year and now I am not looking forward to it at all.  I feel so selfish to everyone I dont want to celebrate anything with anyone no kids birthdays, no thanksgiving, and no christmas.  It makes me hurt so much every time someone gets to throw a birthday party for their kids knowing that I am not going to have that with her ever. Or someone mentions the holidays. I dont know what to do and I dont know how to get out of this funk I am in. I dont like being like this mad and hateful all the time this isnt who I am.  I love the holidays and I love being around friends and family and celebrating everything.

Where do I go from here? How do I get back to who I use to be? How do I have fun and enjoy myself without the guilt over taking me? When and How do I get my new normal?

I know I will never be the same. I do realize that I will have a new normal. I just want to know when I can start feeling it. I am so tried of being Mad and Angree all the time every day and it wears me out having to suppress it when I am around others who dont deserve it that I love. I am so confused as to what I am suppose to do now.

I pray that God gives me strength and pulls me through this. I know he will I am just waiting.

I love you Nevaeh Faith Park... with all that I am and all that I will be forever in my heart and always on my mind Love MOMMY my beautiful angel.