I am sorry & I love n Miss you

Well baby girl its been awhile since I have been on here to write you and I am so sorry.  I thought it would be so easy to sit down and write to you and pour my feelings out to you but sometimes it just hurt so bad that I walked way from it and just talk to you instead. Found out that both ways hurt the same.  I miss you so much every sec of every day that no matter how I say my feelings it all fills the same.  Alot as been going on lately, since I last wrote on here I found out that I am pregnant again three days after thanksgiving. I was so happy and scared at the same time that I didnt know what to do.  I told our family and some friends but kept it quit for awhile.  After seeing the dr. he made me feel a lil better about everything and we are doing good.  I found out a week ago tomorrow that we are going to be having another baby girl and in honor of you angel we are going to give her your middle name. I cant believe your going to be a big sister.

Christmas was so hard without you. I watched your cousin who is only three weeks older than you and wonder if you would be walking like him and if you would be getting excited the way he did and all the other things that I saw. I wonder what you would look like would it still be like me or would your looks change and you start to look more like your daddy.  These are just a few of the things I think about everyday and the holidays made it harder being around everyone and seeing them with their kids and wondering why we couldnt have ours with us. Then my birthday came around after christmas and well lets just say it wasnt the best knowing that you should have been here with me well it just wasnt great. Then we have v-day and although I love your daddy more than any words could say I still wish that you were here with us to celebrate so there again it wasnt the best.

Now less than two weeks away I have your 1st birthday coming up and how I cant believe your going to be one. Like I have said before there are times when I think wow it only seems like yesterday I was holding you in my arms praying that you would wake up and take a breath and open your eyes and look at me then in another since it seems like so long since I felt you and hugged you and rocked you in the rocking chair singing  to you and telling you that I love you and how much I was going to miss you. I long to hold you in my arms everyday how I would love to hold even just for one more min.

So on your Birthday Feb. 27th we are going celebrate you baby girl, me and mimi are going to make you a beautiful butterfly cake with purple and teal iceing and we are going to have a dinner for the whole family to come over and make the day about you and celebrate you and then we are going to the cemetary to bring you balloons and a cake of your own and light a candle and tell you how much we all love and miss you. Although it isnt what I had in mind when I was pregnant with you and thought of when I thought of your 1st birthday party. Even though its not what I plained and even though its going to be one of the hardest day I am going to be going through I am still going to make sure that you are celebrated as if you were still here and make it special for you and realize how lucky I am to have a daughter as wonderful, beautiful, and as special as you. I realize that even though I hurt everyday that I am still the luckiest mommy in the world because you are my daughter.  You have touched so many lives and you were only here for 3 hours. It takes such a special person to do what you have done baby girl.

In my heart I feel you everyday and I know you are going to watch over your little sister and that means the world to me. I am going to tell her what a wonderful and special big sister she has and how lucky she and how I wish she could have met you baby I am so sorry, I am so so sorry for what as happened to you.  I LOVE YOU WITH ALL THAT I AM AND ALL THAT I WILL BE    LOVE MOMMY